Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Randomize
