Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize
