In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
