Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
