So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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