it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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