then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
When did angry sex become our thing?
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
