Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize