Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Randomize
