You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
