bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
