Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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