I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
The Olympian is in my bed
Randomize
