Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I just had sex on a roof
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Randomize
