a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Drunk is not a location!
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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