Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Don't tell me you're on acid again
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
