MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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