Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Randomize
