It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
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