i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Randomize
