you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Randomize
