Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
