forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
