so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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