I molested 6 butterflies tonight
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
