You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
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