Pregnant stripper...not hot.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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