When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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