im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
