I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Randomize
