He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
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