Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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