I puked a lego.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
