my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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