We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
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