dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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