My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
