I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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