I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
