We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Randomize