she kept yelling 'call me bella'
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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