You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
I think I just sharted jello shots
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
