bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
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