Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
A+ Viking dick
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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