So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Randomize
