why didn't you poke me back
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Randomize
