my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
