dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
