im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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