I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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