So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
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