i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Randomize
