I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Randomize
