im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
