who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Randomize
