it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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