Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
lol you are funny thanks bro I'll take you to a strip club
I don't wanna go to a strip club I'd rather get my boobs free or earn them from a series of good deeds
Ha! What's wrong with that? Hard work deserves compensation. I accept cash, checks, and boobies!
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
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